I'm very disturbed by this recent media/Twitter storm against Lena Dunham regarding the depiction of her childhood sexual curiosity in her new book Not That Kind of Girl. The jump to call her a “sexual predator”
for masturbating next to her little sister lying in the same bed, or for
looking into her baby sister’s vagina (when she was seven!), is in my opinion
grotesque. Somehow I feel like if Lena were a boy, this would not be considered
such a shameful offense. The fact that she was a little girl curious about a
vagina seems too much for our society to handle, and this I find really sad and
upsetting. Even the fact that her curiosity about her sister’s vagina could be
misconstrued as sexual in any way is frankly ridiculous.
It makes me reflect on my own childhood and how I was taught from a very young age to have no shame about my sexuality. Whatever I did or asked about, my parents
indulged, never shaming me or telling me I was wrong or gross for thinking or
feeling a certain way. And I feel like Lena’s upbringing was maybe similar in
this way. And so she grew up feeling shameless about her sexuality, which has
molded her into who she is today and given us, her audience, the body of work we love in Girls, Tiny Furniture, and now her memoirs.
I’d been working on writing a piece about how my mom bought
me a vibrator when I was twelve. This is one of the examples from my childhood
that I feel shaped me into the confident, sex-positive woman I am today. Now I
find myself questioning if the public would have a different view. I wonder if
my honest account of this event could potentially bring down a shitstorm of
judgment on me and my mom—judgment that I know actually has nothing to do with me
or how I feel about how I was brought up, and has everything to do with other
people’s disturbing cultural denial of female sexuality. Because Lena’s
sister Grace has clearly not been deeply scarred by these events. They have a
wonderful healthy relationship, they’re clearly very close, and she is the
first to defend Lena on Twitter, citing heteronormativity as the reason people are up in arms against her.
I just can’t believe the extent to which this has been blown
out of proportion. Again, I reflect on my own upbringing. My parents coming to tuck
me into bed at night, butt naked. My mom’s diaphragm sitting on the edge of the
bathtub. The fact that she bought me a vibrator when I was twelve. To me, these
aspects of my growing up naturalized sex and nudity in a way that’s made me
more comfortable with my body and my sexuality than most of the women I know,
and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. The fact that other people might then
take my experience and put their own prejudice on it and tell me it’s wrong or
sick or that someone should be punished for it—well, I can’t imagine what that
must feel like and my heart goes out to Lena.
I was a very sexually curious and precocious child, and the
stories I could tell that might be misconstrued are endless. I remember one
time my godfather was babysitting me and I took off all my clothes to show him
my naked body, and he looked uncomfortable and told me to go get dressed. When
I was seven, I flashed my vagina at my best friend’s older brother and he told
his mom on me, and I was sent home. In kindergarten, I gave my little male
classmate a box of crayons to show me his penis—I had forgotten about this
episode until I saw him again in high school and he wouldn’t talk to me for
this reason. My best friend and I used to take off our pants and take turns
sniffing each other’s butts. One time I kissed my mom on the lips and
stuck my tongue in her mouth.
Yes, there’s no older person taking advantage of younger
person in any of these stories, but they all involve a child’s curiosity about
sex and bodies. And I think what’s really bothering people is not the harmless
childish things Lena did to her little sister, but the fact that a little girl
might have sexual feelings or curiosity at all. Somehow, as a society, we’ve
tricked ourselves into forgetting these moments in our childhoods when we first
started having sexy feelings, or we suddenly started paying attention to the junk
between our legs—somehow, this is still taboo.
To me, this incident suggests a much larger conversation we
need to have, as a culture. Sex education is still not taught in many
schools throughout the country, girls continue to be ignorant about their
vaginas, sex and nudity are still considered shameful topics of conversation.
We can stop beating up Lena Dunham now. We’ve got more important work to do.
Thank you, Slutty Fem! I masturbated at age seven underneath my little mermaid sleeping bag, while my family watched Home Improvement. I'm not ashamed. It's not our fault that in your confused mind, this turns you on and you feel the need to SHUT IT DOWN. Step in to the light, stop trying to control people and love your body. #micdrop
ReplyDeleteYeah girl! This is the key--speaking out about these things, bringing them out of the shadows, killing the taboo. Because we all have these stories. We're human. It's weird being a child and discovering your body. 7 seems to be a particularly interesting age. Let's fucking talk about it and stop shaming ourselves and others!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, can I have YOUR parents? Secondly, America is, at bottom, a Puritan culture. And Ashamed of Sex At. The. Core. It's why we lead the world, I think, in porn consumption. There MUST be something dirty about sex or we don't enjoy it. Sneaky. Hidden. Sick. Bring it all into the light, SF, bring it all out! Every time I read an entry, I can breathe a little deeper. Thank you!!!
ReplyDeleteThank YOU! I'm so ready for us to let go of our Puritan roots. I mean, isn't it about fucking time we stopped denying our natural impulses? For those Bible thumpers out there, I say this: if God made us, God made us sexual and curious and horny for a goddamn reason. And yes, porn consumption is the biggest indicator of that. We're sexual beings and there's no denying it. Let's celebrate it for fucks sake, it's not hurting anyone! Thank you for your readership and for your thoughts.
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